So, it turns out that I'm just not very good at journalling consistantly in any shape or form. I thought that since a blog is published to the World Wide Web, I might feel more accountable for recording my thoughts. However, since I haven't told anyone about this blog, there really is no one to be accountable to, except myself. I came back here today with the plan of deleting this blog completely. I had failed. However, I found it interesting to go back and read my previous posts. They were written just after the birth of my daughter, when my life had just changed completely! I think there is value in having some of my thoughts at that time recorded. I did not anticipate the physical and emotional effect that having a baby would have on me. When they talked about post-partum depression in my pre-natal classes, I thought it would never happen to me. It did, albeit mildly. Everything about having your first baby is hard - the physical pain, hormonal inbalance, lack of sleep. I was not prepared. I don't think that there is any way to be prepared.

In hindsight, I wish that I had not read so many books before Julia was born. They stressed me out in those first few weeks. I felt like I had to do everything "right" or she would be scarred forever. I felt like a failure when her behaviour didn't match what the books described. I was constantly looking for answers to "fix" things, instead of getting to know my little baby's unique personality. But, it's hard. I can't beat myself up over things of the past. I did the best that I could at the time. And, I always had the best interests of my baby at heart.

Thankfully, Julia is a happy and healthy little baby. Every morning I am greeted by a huge, toothless grin. What could be better than that - even if it is at 5:30 am?! Our life has gradually settled into a routine. I love being at home with her, playing with her, watching her learn new things. I love being a mother.

I will extend peace to her like a river, and the wealth of nations like a flooding stream;

you will nurse and be carried on her arm and dangled on her knees.

As a mother comforts her child, so I will comfort you;

and you will be comforted over Jerusalem. Isaiah 66:12, 13