On being a new Mom

She's asleep, finally! The past couple weeks have been a little bit unpredictable around here. Julia hasn't really been following any sort of routine - waking up at different times every day, fighting naps. At least she still sleeps great at night (for now)!

This morning on The Mom Show, they were talking about how hard it is to be a Mom for the first year. All of the mom's agreed that they did not feel prepared once their babies arrived. They felt that the hardships involved with being a new mother are not talked about enough. I certainly felt the same way after Julia was born. I have several friends who had babies before I did and although they did tell me that especially the first three months are really hard, they didn't really tell me why they found it so hard. And, I didn't think to ask. The thing is, before I had a baby, I felt like I was completely prepared to have a baby.

So, since it is still fresh in my mind, here are the reasons that I found new motherhood so difficult.

1. I did not expect the physical pain of childbirth to be so great and lasting. I had a very difficult labour. My water broke but contractions didn't start, so I was induced. It lasted 25 hours. The epidural didn't work. Julia was in the wrong position (sideways). I had an episiotomy. I am sure that I would have been one of those women who died in childbirth if not for modern medicine. I bled for 8 weeks afterwards. I still don't feel 100% even now that Julia is 20 weeks old. Childbirth is an intense, physical trauma. There is nothing that will prepare you for it. I don't think most women talk about it because they block it from their consciousness. Pain does not last forever, but it does last for a while.

2. I could not sleep. Sure, most moms talk about having a lack of sleep when they had a baby. I always thought that it was because their babies didn't sleep. My baby slept a lot, but I did not. First of all, I had a hard time getting comfortable (see #1). But mostly, I had a hard time relaxing enough to get to sleep. Even if Julia was quiet or asleep, I would stay awake listening for her. I would worry about how long she would sleep. I would add up the hours that I had slept and worry that it wasn't enough. I worried too much.

3. I was an emotional wreck. It might have been the lack of sleep, or hormones, or the unrealistic expectations that I had of motherhood, but I could not stop crying. I had mild post-partum depression. I was ashamed of feeling sad. I didn't want anyone to know. I felt like a failure. So I didn't talk about it. Now, I find out that my friends felt the same. I can only assume that most women feel this way after having their first baby. Why are we so proud?

4. I had unrealistic expectations of my mothering skills, mostly based on books that I had read. I had a chart that outlined different baby cries and body language meant to help discern my baby's needs. I felt like a failure when I couldn't read her cues and figure out why she was crying. Every time she cried it sounded the same to me (and still does).

Thankfully, motherhood gets easier. It takes time to get to know your baby. It takes time to heal. It takes time for your baby to feel safe and comfortable in the world. Eventually, it all comes together and you can enjoy the precious gift of new life.

And, Julia is awake. I am going to go enjoy my beautiful, precious little girl.

So, it turns out that I'm just not very good at journalling consistantly in any shape or form. I thought that since a blog is published to the World Wide Web, I might feel more accountable for recording my thoughts. However, since I haven't told anyone about this blog, there really is no one to be accountable to, except myself. I came back here today with the plan of deleting this blog completely. I had failed. However, I found it interesting to go back and read my previous posts. They were written just after the birth of my daughter, when my life had just changed completely! I think there is value in having some of my thoughts at that time recorded. I did not anticipate the physical and emotional effect that having a baby would have on me. When they talked about post-partum depression in my pre-natal classes, I thought it would never happen to me. It did, albeit mildly. Everything about having your first baby is hard - the physical pain, hormonal inbalance, lack of sleep. I was not prepared. I don't think that there is any way to be prepared.

In hindsight, I wish that I had not read so many books before Julia was born. They stressed me out in those first few weeks. I felt like I had to do everything "right" or she would be scarred forever. I felt like a failure when her behaviour didn't match what the books described. I was constantly looking for answers to "fix" things, instead of getting to know my little baby's unique personality. But, it's hard. I can't beat myself up over things of the past. I did the best that I could at the time. And, I always had the best interests of my baby at heart.

Thankfully, Julia is a happy and healthy little baby. Every morning I am greeted by a huge, toothless grin. What could be better than that - even if it is at 5:30 am?! Our life has gradually settled into a routine. I love being at home with her, playing with her, watching her learn new things. I love being a mother.

I will extend peace to her like a river, and the wealth of nations like a flooding stream;

you will nurse and be carried on her arm and dangled on her knees.

As a mother comforts her child, so I will comfort you;

and you will be comforted over Jerusalem. Isaiah 66:12, 13